I really don’t expect anyone to read this. I really don’t. I just have to write. Get it all out, since I’m not a really good talker and stuff.
Anyway, as some of you may know I’ve had eating disorders and depression for more than two years now. That’s more than two years of my life, youth and childhood that’s wasted, gone, irreplaceable. I will never get those years back, never ever.
Sometimes I’m really really mad at the demon that one day decided to move into my head and destroy everything. e v e r y t h i n g. But sometimes I’m not even strong enough to be mad, i’m just laying there, quiet with a single tear rolling down my cheek. Not thinking, not feeling, just breathing and wishing i knew what to do to make everything and everyone okay again. I’ve hurt too many people that i love, something i’ll never forgive myself for. That I’ve hurt myself I can live with, but every inner scar I’ve caused on anyone else will forever be a heavy weight on my mind. And I will never forgive myself for letting the demon control such an amount of my actions.
And what I hate even more is that he still is the ruler of my mind. I would never hurt anyone on purpose, especially not my lovely, beautiful mom, but sometimes I do anyway. I know i can’t blame him for everything bad that happens in my life, but the fact that I still cry myself to sleep almost every night is just one thing that shows what power he still has over me. I wanna live, I really want to, he just makes me believe otherwise. I can’t let him win, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be strong enough to beat him.
Det här är en text jag skrev för ett tag sen, och jag vill bara be om förlåtelse till alla som jag sårat. Ni som har trott på mig, kämpat för mig och älskat mig när det i stort sett varit omöjligt att leva med mig, ni är guld värda. Utan er hade jag aldrig aldrig ladrig tagit mig så här långt. Jag äter alla mål mat som jag behöver varje dag, jag tränar utan att det blir en överdrift, och i fredags åt jag pizza för frösta gången på två år, det är tack vare er som jag har klarat av att göra det här och det är ni som har räddat mitt liv. My beautiful angels, ni vet vilka ni är♥